Becoming who I am

August 31, 2021 10:13 AM

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Photo of the author at a younger age. Photo courtesy of the author.

Photo of the author at a younger age. Photo courtesy of the author.

I walked into school looking around and every step I took felt like a loud thud. I was wondering are these people the people I want to end middle school with? I had a long talk with my cousins the night before and they told me to stop letting people walk all over me and realization hit me: this is not who I am. I walked into class and put on that fake smile greeting everyone. Then I sat down and this girl in my class looked at me and laughed.

So I asked, “What's so funny?”

“You didn’t see snap before you came to school?” She chuckled.

“No, what happened,” I asked, confused with my heart pounding. I felt like it was going to jump out of my skin any minute. She pulled out her phone, showing me a post that said a bunch of bad things about me and telling everyone not to be my friend.

I felt tears build in my eyes but I didn’t allow them to fall. I raised my hand and asked to use the bathroom and darted out as soon as the teacher said yes. I got inside the stall,  slammed the door, and started crying. I felt so angry and hopeless. I felt like I was falling into a never-ending pit and repeated to myself that I was never coming back and I didn’t. I left and never turned back. I left and found people that made me happy and accept me for me

Growing up wasn’t one of the easiest things for me. Elementary school is where these things started. I always tried to fit in and run with a crowd, I thought I always needed friends, and I did things to make sure I kept friends. It messed up my mindset and made me always want to blend in and have a crowd to run with, not realizing that I was better off on my own. I didn’t need friends to be happy and I could be on my own regardless of anything and I had to learn that. 

I wanted for people to accept me so badly I wanted to make people make me feel welcomed and soon I became someone I wasn’t. I kinda had to restart my life all over and find myself again after this, and I’m still in the process of finding myself and how I am. I’m still learning how to deal with emotions and feelings. I was a lost kid thinking friends were something I needed but it was more so something I wanted. Ever since then I’ve been finding myself and who I am, getting rid of old habits. Since I spent most of my life trying to fit in and be someone I’m not, I didn’t know who exactly I was yet and I had such a hard time figuring out who I am.

This whole situation has affected me ways worse than I thought it would. It affected the way I express my emotions. When I’m put in certain situations I never know what to say because I’m afraid of potential reactions that come with it. I overthink situations. One wrong move can mess everything up. I also sometimes have trouble explaining my own emotions. It's hard to open up because I'll always assume they’re like the others… but can you blame me?

It was not all bad. I went to a new school and got a new start and couldn’t be happier even though it was a bumpy start and I had to separate the good from the bad. I ended up finding the best person ever. I was finally settling down and figuring out who I was. Every day I was achieving something new. I was lost about who I was and then I met myself along the way with new friends to help me through everything. I could finally find myself and figure out who I am.

I became a very goofy person, mostly all I do is laugh at things and find the positive side of everything. I became the person I should have been all along, I became me.

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