A letter to my 15-year-old self

September 18, 2020 10:45 PM

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Waves rumble on a cloudy day.

Waves rumble on a cloudy day.

You, my dear, will never know yourself in the same way again. You will never know yourself with the child-like innocence you possess, even with the fact that you still have so much more to lose. You think you can take on the world — but you are far from it. You do not know the world. You do not yet know the heartbreak or the loneliness you will come to discover, which you will come to find out is something that will come from those you love the most. You are so small in the best way you could ever be. You will never want to be big again. Frightful, yes, but what is coming, even more so. As you grow up, do not forget you are in the middle of everything you used to dream about. 

You are sincerely aching to become the person you have always wanted to be. A daunting task — one you think will be liberating, but may be simply impossible. The person you want to be is not who you are. As you try to become her, you will merely lose yourself in the process. 

You feel a deep sense of mis-belonging, because you think you miss someone you love. In reality, it is the exact opposite because you miss somebody you do not love at all: yourself. You miss yourself. Because you forget who you are. You forget who you used to be. You forget your own words. You forget to take care of yourself. You do not realize you are not the same person you were, and never again will you be. 

Isn’t it a shame that you once believed in fairytales? It was only a few years ago you knew that you yourself were the princess. Now to think so positively about yourself feels narcissistic, it seems you can’t think that way anymore, you have no more significance than an extra side character. In order to believe in your beauty, to believe that you were the princess, you were told it from the second you were born. It was drilled into your brain — how you were a cute baby, how bright your eyes were and how long your hair was. It was shoved down your throat so often you never even had the chance to think about it. It hurt to be told it and not believe it, but it hurts even more for it to not be told to you. The older you have gotten, when you have needed to hear it, the less you did.

It is storming for you right now, and you are relying on one person to push the waves back when it should be taking a whole village. He is getting you back on dry land, but he can not stop the ocean’s current. The storm is still coming. You think he is keeping you dry, but he can not split the whole ocean for you. This theory you have of you and him, it is one you are sure to have figured out. One that feels more like reality rather than a mere theory. But it has become nonexistent. You will know what happened soon enough, but it will take you years to figure out why. You are so disconnected from the world because you thought you had everything.

You will not know happiness until you realize you had nothing. You will not know how to stop the storm until you realize you are the only person who can split the ocean and get you to dry land. You will not be able to believe in fairytales until you can again think of yourself as the princess. And you will not know how to find yourself until you channel your energy towards yourself the same way you are channeling it towards everybody else right now.

Your identity crisis will become a shift in your spiritual being, but you have to let it. 

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